Soul-less automatic phone answering services

"I can't take it anymore....."

You’ve been there. You’re at your wit’s end. Your accounts in the red, or your Washing machine’s broken down, and you need to speak to someone about it. you call the helpline, except it’s no help at all. At the end is some kind of zombie female robot with pre-arranged answers. AAARGH!  Hear me vent on my rant from the weekend . Just Click on the player at the foot of this post.  You can also listen live to Bayradio by clicking on the listen live icon below. I appear on The Sunset Strip with Noelle every Friday night around 9.30 pm CET, and it’s repeated every Sunday around 1..30am CET on The Sunday Brunch with Bob and Noelle. But if, heaven forbid, you miss them, you can always check in here to listen again.

Kev Moore

The Chinese Birth Control Policy

Only one of these kids is legal. Probably.

The Chinese. Again. this time it’s to take a closer look at their birth control policy and what unforseen effects its having on the land of illegally copied goods.  Ironic really. They stop you reproducing kids, but reproduce a designer handbag, or a car, and you can knock yourself out, mate – make a million of ’em! So take a listen to my rant from the weekend where I have a go at our epicanthically-folded friends!  There’s also a song “Just one more”. Just Click on the player at the foot of this post.  You can also listen live to Bayradio by clicking on the listen live icon below. I appear on The Sunset Strip with Noelle every Friday night around 9.30 pm CET, and it’s repeated every Sunday around 1..30am CET on The Sunday Brunch with Bob and Noelle. But if, heaven forbid, you miss them, you can always check in here to listen again.

Kev Moore

Off topic: Are we not men? Gird your ample loins!

Art by Miki

Derby County. My team. Tonight. The most important match of the season. Never mind all that Liverpool-Everton nonsense. This is the real meat and potatoes.

And so dear friends, it is upon us. The only one that matters. For the team that raise their muddy standard from the mire will have the bragging rights entire, no matter what the season holds, as clubs’ financial follys fold so many onto footballs funeral pyre.

But this one game, of two halves, Brian
With hearts of steel and will of iron
Sees battle of the horn’ed ones (oo-er missus)
joined with trent ends orphaned sons
So let us stomp the garibaldi red
Into our hallowed pride park turf
And sieze this game for all its worth
With Forest, left for dead.


so join with me now, one and all, an optimistic clarion call, for I for one won’t predict loss, I don’t care whose the bloody boss, or who plays where with whom, or what, and tactics? I care not a jot. Considered? Bunkum! No, not I
Im Derby…..DERBY til I die.

I think it’s a good time to remember our legendary victory over our bitterest rivals (Nottingham Forest)earlier in the season, when I  felt compelled to record a version of “Wish you were Here” to commemorate it! You can download it here:

Kev Moore

Bad Packaging

Yes, the headphones are lovely - but can you actually liberate them from their hermetically sealed prison without becoming a paraplegic?

How many paper cuts, blisters, severed digits and gouged eyes have you suffered simply trying to open these bloody creations that people see fit to invent to enshroud your latest purchases? Yeah, me too. So take a listen to my rant from the weekend where I give vent to my frustrations!  Just Click on the player at the foot of this post.  You can also listen live to Bayradio by clicking on the listen live icon below. I appear on The Sunset Strip with Noelle every Friday night around 9.30 pm CET, and it’s repeated every Sunday around 1..30am CET on The Sunday Brunch with Bob and Noelle. But if, heaven forbid, you miss them, you can always check in here to listen again.

Kev Moore

Bloody Celebrities!

"When I grow up I want to be Mariah Carey, you bastards"

I returned to the airwaves this weekend with my Bayradio rant – this time turning my sights on celebrities.(An easy target, I know, so hey! Let’s do it!) Now, I’ve been lucky enough to be the beneficiary of occasional ‘special treatment’ or ‘freebies’, and very nice it is too, but when these bloody A-listers think they are so far above us that they can behave like small children it really gets my Capra Hircus, or goat, for the less well-read among you. Now, a little secret, dear reader…. I recorded this rant before the demise of the reality-challenged Whitney Houston, who had the bad grace to depart this world after I’d mentioned her tantrums in my rant. Being a sensitive soul, I recorded it, and ‘framed’ Mariah Carey for the same outburst. As I mention in the dialogue, it doesn’t really matter, all these dodgy divas are so interchangeable you’d hardly know the difference. Just for the record, Ms.Carey was still drawing breath as this went to press.

There’s an original song with this one – ‘Don’t you know who I think I am’, which will appear on my new album, scheduled for release in the Autumn. The lyrics are below.

Just click on the player to hear my Celebrity strop rant, and click on the Bay Radio ‘listen live’ icon to, well, er…listen live!

Don’t you know who I think I am?

I’m in first class every time I fly – that’s just my way
And it’s the stewardesses ass if it ain’t just right, what can I say?
And don’t gimme none o’that ‘first in line’
Cos this seats taken and it’s always mine
And don’t tell me I can’t use my phone
and could you see to it I dine alone?

Don’t you know who I think I am?
I’m not one of those you can easily mess with
Don’t you know who I think I am
I’d like some Dom Perignon and a nice club sandwich…..NOW!

I want the first five rows just for myself – and a cafe au lait
I don’t give a damn about no-one else – no, not today
I was  a tenement brat who never had a lot
Now I’m superstar diva takin’ all you got
I’d sell my own mama just to get ahead
Didnt you listen to what I just said?

Don’t you know who I think I am?
I’m not one of those you can easily mess with
Don’t you know who I think I am
I cant wear my seatbelt cos I’m so exhausted….NOW

Music &Lyrics © Kev Moore 2012

Kev Moore

The Adventures of Mason and Will – England U17’s in the Algarve

England under 17's - Algarve Friendly tournament Feb 2012

I know this blog is usually reserved for my rants, but today dear readers, you have earned yourselves a respite, as I return from a fabulous trip along the coast from our home in Spain to Portugal’s Algarve, to watch England’s under 17’s football team tale party in the 35th friendly tournament, also featuring Portugal as host nation, France, and Holland.

Now, I’m patriotic, but there were two much more important reasons why we went. Derby County were fielding two of our Under 17 rising stars, Will Hughes and Mason Bennett.  Both lads have made first team appearances for the club, and it was a great to see them pulling on the National shirt.

The first game was against Portugal in the Estadio de Municipal da Bela Vista. It’s a strange place, sporting just the one stand, and seemingly located within a Portuguese housing estate. Despite the Algarve sunshine, it was decidedly chilly, as we experienced the fringe of the vicious weather blanketing much of Europe.  Mason Bennett started, with Will Hughes on the bench, and to be honest, Bennett struggled to impose himself in the first half, and was replaced at half time in a double substitution that saw Will Hughes take the field.  What struck me about Hughes was the accuracy of his passing, his willingness to chase the ball and his commitment in challenges, he impressed me immensely, as did the young Newcastle lad, Adam Campbell, he was a real handful.

Premium seating in the Estadio Bela Vista....

We ran out 2-1 winners, and I particularly loved the Portuguese announcer’s different take on the goals: the Portuguese one was met with “GOOOOOOOOOOOOAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

POR -TU -GAL, POR-TU -GAL!”  -followed by some really dire euro-dance music until we were ready to re-start. When England scored he mumbled begrudgingly “goal, England”  Priceless!

The one serious threat to us in that game was one of Porto’s youngsters, who regularly took killer inswinging corners that threatened to punish us, and we seemed to keep conceding.

Game number two saw us facing Holland, at the Estadio Municipal in Loulè , and I found this a really great game. Will Hughes started, and immediately involved himself in the game, hungry for the ball and unerring with his passing once again. He got his just reward, scoring for England after 13 minutes in a game which also saw some great interplay between Forest’s Kieran Wallace and Villa’s Jordan Graham. Wallace showed enough good touches to suggest that, if his first mates at the city Ground don’t start clicking, he’ll be pushing for a place.  We conceded a penalty after about 18 minutes and were down to 10 men, following the fairly pointless sending -off of Callum Robinson. The team held fast though, with some resolute defending and as we headed deep into the second half we were holding the Dutch at 2-2.  We were on the verge of nicking it when we had a penalty of our own, but a great save from the keeper meant the honours were even.  Bennett had joined the fray at half-time and looked a lot sharper than in the first game.

Will Hughes defends the far post in the game against the Dutch

The third and final game took place in the grandly named Estadio Capitano Josino Costa, in Lagoa, which was a bit of a ramshackle place, but made up for it by having the photocopied teamsheets available in colour, no less.

Mason and Will both started this one, and the team looked organised, and clearly worked hard for each other. Mason had a couple of attempts but never quite got going in my opinion, though he showed a couple of touches to suggest he has much more to offer. Once again, though, Will Hughes did some great work in midfield, tracked back well, fought for the ball and distributed it well all over the pitch.  We came out worthy 2-1 winners, and won the tournament overall with 7 points, a good few days work.

It was also great to see the families of some of these lads out there supporting them, including the folks of Blades youngster George Willis, who despite the penalty, had a good game in goal against Holland.

The lads warm down after a great win against France

Standout players of the tournament for me were Hughes, Newcastle’s Campbell, West Ham’s Leo Chambers, Forest’s Wallace and Villa’s Graham.

Whatever goes wrong further up the ladder with our national team, on this viewing, John Peacock and his staff are doing a sterling job with this current crop of talented youngsters.

To see two Derby lads in this team filled me with pride, as did the sight of the whole squad singing the National Anthem.

606ers please note: Particularly gratifying was the further “anglification and ramification” of Mrs. MojacaRam, as she shouted for the English over her own French team, with the singularly bizarre cry of ‘allez Mason’!  My work here is done.

Kev Moore

American TV Networks – disrespecting their public!

"It's my series and I'll cancel it if I want, you schmucks!" said a fat TV executive recently

I’ve long held the belief that the giant TV networks regard us as beneath contempt, an unfortunate, unwanted yet albeit necessary part of the equation that results in television programming, and the creation in particular of serialization.  Many of my favourite programmes have come to grief because they didn’t hit some arbitrary notch on the ratings bedpost, or by way of their intrusive advertising, sell enough Daz. So it will come as no surprise to followers of my blog, or my BayRadio slot, that I chose to vent my spleen against them this weekend. Click on the player below to listen to the rant, which also includes the specially-written song “Pulling the Plug” (Lyrics below) – a fantasy I entertained about a fan of one show who was so over-zealous, he sabotaged the studio executive’s car and then murdered him while he recovered in hospital. Of course, I’m not suggesting that anybody really do this…but, you know….bring back ENTERPRISE , or else!!

Pulling the plug

Hey there Mr Katzenjammer, sitting in LA
On which dream of mine and many others
Do you intend to throw the covers
And break the hearts of TV lovers
From here to Monterey?

Well we were captured by the Pilot
You seduced us with the plot
Episode by episode you showed us what you’d got
But now the season’s over
And the Network’s had enough
Have you ever felt like you’ve been had?
Somebody’s called your bluff…..

Pulling the plug on your favourite show
Never did no-one no good
You reel us all in then you let us go
Well I guess that’s how they do it in Hollywood

I don’t believe you would let us down
If you knew how much it meant
But I’ve drained the brakes on your oldsmobile
Just to demonstrate my intent

I’ll visit you in intensive care
When you’re all broken and bent

And your monitors flatline is my favourite show
And although I know it’s not the way you wanted to go
It was me that you were messing with and now you know

That respectfully, oh, regretfully
and with all due deference to your sponsors fee
I’ll be……

Pulling the Plug


Well the broadcast rights to your funeral rites
Went to Fox, not CBS
A docu-soap on your early life
And an unexpected guest

They’ll show your final resting place
Here on Prime-time way out West

The irony here is that the ratings war
Will be won by you, but not like how you won it before
You’re the king of all the networks but you’re out the door

Oh, oblivious, and postumhous
And you never even gave a single shit about us, who does?

I’m pulling the plug.

© 2012 Words and Music Kev Moore

If you want to listen to BayRadio live just click on the icon below. My live rants return on March 2nd, but I’ll be posting the links to some previous ones here during February.

Kev Moore

Balotelli – a child on man’s wages

....And so's my Agent................

So, following the latest in a string of incidents, the agent for this idiot has come out and said that Balotelli, the controversial Manchester City footballer, may be forced to quit English football after what he perceives is ‘unfair treatment’.

Yeah? See ya.

The agent then goes on to say it’s his duty to ‘protect and then take him away..”

Really? I thought it was your duty to swindle a club out of millions, siphon off a huge profit for very little effort and then move on to the next overpaid, under-educated thug. Manchester city’s manager is no better. It seems to be all the rage, Italians losing touch with reality, first Captain Schettino of the Costa Concordia, and now Roberto Mancini, who moans about too many fixtures when he’s got so many top-drawer players he can field to perfectly capable 11’s, and who unbelieveably tells the club they have to spend more. Hey Roberto! How about trying to manage instead of buy success? This isn’t The bloody Sopranos, you know.

The Beautiful game?  My arse.

Kev Moore

Titanic revisited – The unbelievable mis-captaincy of the Costa Concordia

I spent the best part of two years on a cruise ship – The Ocean Village –  with my solo rock show. We sailed the Mediterranean, the Atlantic and the Caribbean. We had some rough seas I can tell you. But I never felt that the Captain was operating a policy of reckless endangerment. The idiot in charge (I use the term loosely) of the ill-fated Costa Concordia succeeded in running the flagship of the fleet onto the rocks in a channel 15 kilometers wide. I was prompted to create a rant about this, but it didn’t quite make it past the censors….but you, dear, loyal reader, can click on the player below and hear what i have to say in all my unexpurgated glory…..

My heart goes out to the families of all those lost to this man’s folly.

Kev Moore

The Chinese Invasion

I’m afraid the site’s a little behind schedule dear readers, I’ll be making up any shortfall in the New Year because I’m jetting off to Morocco for the holidays, but for now enjoy my rant about The Chinese, as heard on The Sunset Strip with Noelle on Bay Radio last Friday. Don’t forget, you can listen in every Friday 9.30pm CET, and every Sunday around 11.30am CET on The Sunday Brunch. Just click on the LISTEN LIVE logo at the bottom, and click on the player to hear last Friday’s rant.

Last weeks rant includes a song “Yangtse Noodle Dandy”, and here are the lyrics:

We watch with Western wide-eyed wonder
While a billion cheap Chinese, build guitars and cars
and roll cigars for just a fraction of the fees

Now Uncle Sam’s a pipedream
with his staid democracy
Cos those tiny little communistas
Chopped the dude off at the knees

Yangtse noodle dandy
Chopsticks it to the man
Turn Nevada into Paddy fields
San Antone to Old Siam

Tiannamen square’s behind him
What’s some corpses between friends
And hijacking your economy
Is the way to make amends

Mao and all his cronies
never saw this in their wildest dreams
To flood the west with phonies
It’s the ultimate subversive scheme

Yangtse noodle dandy
Chopstick it to the man
shanghai’s san antonio
San Antone to Old Siam

So next time you pick a mug from starbucks
A souvenir from New Orleans
Turn it over see where it’s made
And ponder for a moment just what that means

Yangtse noodle dandy
Chopstick it to the man
Turn Nevada into Paddy fields
San Antone to Old Siam
© Kev Moore 2011

And while we’re at it, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all the listeners and readers!

Kev Moore