Dr. Seuss's Twat in a Hat
The internet and magazines are full of people’s “Top 10” music artists, guitarists whatever. I thought, in keeping with the mean-spirited-ness of this blog, I should share with you my bottom 10. They’re in no order of de-merit or anything. They’re all equally shite.
The Irish quasi-esoteric, newmuzak warbler seems to have EXACTLY the opposite effect on me from the one intended. Her music is meant to relax you, calm you…they use it in Health spas and retreats for God’s* sake. But with me….well, I must be wired up wrong, because whenever I hear the doe-eyed floaty bird I want to leap up and punch some f*cker. It drives me crazy! “From Bali, to Mali to the shores of Tripoli” -aaaargh! Piss OFF!!!!!
2.THE PET SHOP BOYS
It was a sad day for music when DJ’s suddenly found they had the power to become the stars they’d always pretended to be. Likewise music journalists. The day Neil Tennant put down his pen and ceased writing for the mighty music tome that is “Smash Hits” was a sad day for music indeed. Standing there, warbling like an effete wet dishcloth, with a totally disinterested geezer in a hat stood next to him trying to figure out what the black keys do on a keyboard, he inflicted The Pet Shop Boys on us. The only thing in his favour is that it was a stupid bloody name, and therefore he telegraphed some kind of warning that the music would be shite. And, oh, how shite it was! How could we have known that “West End Girls” would be the best thing they did, and it would actually go DOWNHILL from there??? His effeminate talky wishy-washy rap style just raises my hackles, and, as with Enya, I want to kill and destroy. Worst lyric from Mr.Tennant that verges on giving me an embolism? “Picasso and Debussy to a disco beat” aaaaarrrrghh!!! aaaaaarrrgh! SHUT UP YOU FLOUNCY TWAT!!!!
3. JAMES BLUNT
“You’re beautifuuuuullll”. Am I? You’re a twat.
4. DEMIS ROUSOSS
“Hey, I’ve got a great idea! I’m going to sign this big fat hairy greek who only wears kaftans and sings like a castrated goat – the housewives will LOVE him!” The really scary thing is, whichever misguided individual uttered those words in a record company office was actually right. They say the 60’s was the decade of drugs, but I’m telling you, millions of 70’s housewives must’ve been speeding off their tits to enjoy this garbage.
5. ST.WINIFRED’S GIRL’S SCHOOL CHOIR – “There’s no-one quite like Grandma”
Has anybody researched the possible correlation between this record and the proliferation of High school massacres? We should be told.
6. ELVIS WHEN HE WAS FAT
“Step away from the hamburger – and while you’re at it, stop covering shite ballads”
7. DJ OXY
It dosen’t have to actually be DJ OXY, it can be any of these (usually Dutch) wanker DJ’s who make dance manure for the great unwashed as they fry their brains in Ibiza, Aiya Napa and other bachanallian bollox. The tracks usually comprise some computerised puerile nonsense they’ve chucked together in about 5 minutes using “my first programming machine” and then they chant some bastardized English vocal over the top, like “Dance all ze sexy laydees, yes?” People buy this shit. Once again, I blame the drugs.
This is the multi-headed Irish twatbeast created by Louis (I’m going to inflict shoite on you forever you English bastards) Walsh. You only have to watch the frenetic attempt at dancing, the pathetic attempt to please you, from an embryonic (abortion?) Boyzone on The Gay Byrne show (I don’t think the show was targeted at homosexuals, it’s his name, but spooky though, eh?) and you can see the ‘raw material’ he had to work with. The ‘achievement’ of Westlife in beating The Beatles record of the most Number Ones was THE defining moment in pop history for me. It was the day the music died. Don’t EVER play me the chorus to “I’m flying without wiiiiiings” I WILL kill somebody.
9. AMY WINEHOUSE
At least she was predictable.
10. PLAN B
Further proof, if it were needed, that Britain’s youth is under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs. This arrogant little oik, bereft of talent, has been feted by the likes of Elton (I’m still cool because I associate myself with modern bollocks that should be flushed down the) John, has something of the Emperor’s new clothes about him. I feel like I’m the kid pointing and shouting “Look at the twat! Look at the twat!” and nobody pays any attention. Any doubts about his loser credentials were dispelled when he slouched up to music legend Leon Russell, and greeted him with a sullen ‘alright mate’. I’m sure he didn’t have the first idea who he was talking to, the ignoramus. What a tosspot.
there’s loads more than ten, but I can’t be bothered. It’s too depressing
*The use of the word “God” in Kev’s posts is entirely arbitrary, and does not suggest his belief in a deity of any kind.