Soul-less automatic phone answering services

"I can't take it anymore....."

You’ve been there. You’re at your wit’s end. Your accounts in the red, or your Washing machine’s broken down, and you need to speak to someone about it. you call the helpline, except it’s no help at all. At the end is some kind of zombie female robot with pre-arranged answers. AAARGH!  Hear me vent on my rant from the weekend . Just Click on the player at the foot of this post.  You can also listen live to Bayradio by clicking on the listen live icon below. I appear on The Sunset Strip with Noelle every Friday night around 9.30 pm CET, and it’s repeated every Sunday around 1..30am CET on The Sunday Brunch with Bob and Noelle. But if, heaven forbid, you miss them, you can always check in here to listen again.

Kev Moore

Standing Room Only

Is sterilisation the answer? - "No, but yeah but, no but, yeah, but no......"

Seven Billion and counting. That’s the current assessment of the World’s population. No wonder you can’t get a bloody parking space.  I reckon it’s time some of these fertile young geezers learned how to keep it in their trousers.  You might think that the Third World is the problem, but to be honest, the Council-House mentality a little closer to home doesn’t help much, does it?  Squeezing new sprogs out in between the fags and the booze, they’re seen as ‘little earners’ – their benefits supplementing the giros of the terminally unemployable, or downright lazy.  It’s usually these types, with their ubiquitous satellite dishes, Reebok knock-offs and perpetually XXXXL  keep-fit gear to hide their corpulent lardiness, that should be thinking a little more often about getting a job than getting laid, and thus at least do their bit to calm things down….perhaps we could have a T-shirt slogan: NO COPULATION – LOW POPULATION!  Sure, the Chinese have taken the lead with draconian laws to limit the amount of kids you can have, but it’s all right for them isn’t it? There’s friggin’ millions of them already.

It’s not like we’ve really got anywhere else to put them is it? This lonesome spinning rock is pretty much all we’ve got. So next time you want a bit of rumpy-pumpy, perhaps the eco-warrior within should have a quiet word. That Neil Armstrong, he had the right idea, didn’t he? Plenty of room up there.  Bet he wished he’d never come back.  In fact on reflection, perhaps we should all avoid re-entry…..

Kev Moore

I, Robot, you Jane

Nice legs, shame about the face

Researchers in Southern California believe we are on the cusp of a robot revolution that will evoke  the all too memorable growth of the computer revolution from the 1980s onwards.Of course, one has to take this sort of thing with a pinch of silicon, because we all know that everybody in Southern California is just one banana shy of a whole bunch, but even so, it’s pretty heady stuff.

Or is it?

Roboticists (apparently it’s a word, go figure) are convinced that the day when they  perform household chores, entertain and educate our children,  etc, is not too far off. But I’m here to tell you, that day has already dawned.

How else can we explain Davina McCall?

Kev Moore

You couldn’t make it up……oh, wait a minute, they did…..Creationism as a tax loss

"We're gonna need a bigger boat....."

I’ve just discovered via Michael McKean’s excellent twitterfeed, that the state of Kentucky is allowing a 75% tax discount for the next 30 years to a Creationist Theme Park called ‘Ark Encounter’.

If you haven’t ‘encountered’ the Creationists before, let me explain. They believe God created everything, about 2,000 years ago and that we used to share the planet with dinosaurs. At the same time. Yep. America is a country so diverse it has people with the intelligence to put man on the moon, and people who have the intelligence of moon rock.

This, let’s be frank for a minute, bloody MENTAL idea for  multiple tax breaks for the amusement park catering to the terminally deluded, come at a time when Kentucky families are struggling from eight rounds of state budget cuts over the past three years. That includes cuts to education at all levels, a pay freeze for all teachers and state workers, and reduced funding for Medicaid.

Kentucky apparently already has a Creationism Museum, and the complementary amusement park includes biblical exhibits like the Tower of Babel and a full-size replica of Noah’s Ark…complete with – yep, you’ve guessed it, dinosaurs inside! It’s due to open in the spring of 2014. What I want to know is, how can they tell it’s full size? Have they got Noah’s blueprints?

I used to be scared about Islamic extremists getting their finger on the Nuclear button, but they pale into insignificance next to these guys.  I imagine them, when faced with scientific proof, standing in congregations with their fingers in their ears going “la la la la la – I’m not listening!” And I don’t know who’s the scarier, the nutters who built it, or the ones who cut them the breaks.

Kev Moore

Soup, Madam?

The Dear Departed (with Relish)

I never realized when that Conservative in Labour clothing, Tony (I played guitar once so I’m cool) Blair talked about a ‘third way’  that he was referring to this. Let me explain:

Until now, you had two choices when you turned up your toes, burial, or cremation. Now it seems, thanks to somebody with clearly too much time on their hands who has obviously spent the majority of their youth video-gaming, you can be turned into soup. Or liquified, to use the correct if unpleasant term. Yep, that’s right, someone has actually spent time (and probably tax-payers money) finding out just what it takes to reduce a human body to gloop in a clean and efficient and most likely profitable manner.  I can save them the bother. It seems if you put a thousand pre-pubescent girls in front of the man-child monstrosity that is Justin Bieber, they get reduced to gloop too, and at a fraction of the cost. In addition it reduces his fanbase, so it’s a win-win situation. But I digress……

Step right this way...........

This ‘liquefaction’ unit was designed in Glasgow (unsurprisingly, given the Scots canny appreciation of economy in all things) and wouldn’t you know it’s those crazy yanks who’ve installed the first one. The only surprise being that it’s not in Las Vegas.  But the clincher is this – The company founder, Sandy Sullivan, seems to think that it allows people a third option, “where they can express their environmental concerns in a personal way”. Hmm. Yes, but does it come with croutons, and at the end of the service, do you get an Urn, or a Tureen?

Kev Moore