Bloody Celebrities!

"When I grow up I want to be Mariah Carey, you bastards"

I returned to the airwaves this weekend with my Bayradio rant – this time turning my sights on celebrities.(An easy target, I know, so hey! Let’s do it!) Now, I’ve been lucky enough to be the beneficiary of occasional ‘special treatment’ or ‘freebies’, and very nice it is too, but when these bloody A-listers think they are so far above us that they can behave like small children it really gets my Capra Hircus, or goat, for the less well-read among you. Now, a little secret, dear reader…. I recorded this rant before the demise of the reality-challenged Whitney Houston, who had the bad grace to depart this world after I’d mentioned her tantrums in my rant. Being a sensitive soul, I recorded it, and ‘framed’ Mariah Carey for the same outburst. As I mention in the dialogue, it doesn’t really matter, all these dodgy divas are so interchangeable you’d hardly know the difference. Just for the record, Ms.Carey was still drawing breath as this went to press.

There’s an original song with this one – ‘Don’t you know who I think I am’, which will appear on my new album, scheduled for release in the Autumn. The lyrics are below.

Just click on the player to hear my Celebrity strop rant, and click on the Bay Radio ‘listen live’ icon to, well, er…listen live!

Don’t you know who I think I am?

I’m in first class every time I fly – that’s just my way
And it’s the stewardesses ass if it ain’t just right, what can I say?
And don’t gimme none o’that ‘first in line’
Cos this seats taken and it’s always mine
And don’t tell me I can’t use my phone
and could you see to it I dine alone?

Don’t you know who I think I am?
I’m not one of those you can easily mess with
Don’t you know who I think I am
I’d like some Dom Perignon and a nice club sandwich…..NOW!

I want the first five rows just for myself – and a cafe au lait
I don’t give a damn about no-one else – no, not today
I was  a tenement brat who never had a lot
Now I’m superstar diva takin’ all you got
I’d sell my own mama just to get ahead
Didnt you listen to what I just said?

Don’t you know who I think I am?
I’m not one of those you can easily mess with
Don’t you know who I think I am
I cant wear my seatbelt cos I’m so exhausted….NOW

Music &Lyrics © Kev Moore 2012

Kev Moore

American TV Networks – disrespecting their public!

"It's my series and I'll cancel it if I want, you schmucks!" said a fat TV executive recently

I’ve long held the belief that the giant TV networks regard us as beneath contempt, an unfortunate, unwanted yet albeit necessary part of the equation that results in television programming, and the creation in particular of serialization.  Many of my favourite programmes have come to grief because they didn’t hit some arbitrary notch on the ratings bedpost, or by way of their intrusive advertising, sell enough Daz. So it will come as no surprise to followers of my blog, or my BayRadio slot, that I chose to vent my spleen against them this weekend. Click on the player below to listen to the rant, which also includes the specially-written song “Pulling the Plug” (Lyrics below) – a fantasy I entertained about a fan of one show who was so over-zealous, he sabotaged the studio executive’s car and then murdered him while he recovered in hospital. Of course, I’m not suggesting that anybody really do this…but, you know….bring back ENTERPRISE , or else!!

Pulling the plug

Hey there Mr Katzenjammer, sitting in LA
On which dream of mine and many others
Do you intend to throw the covers
And break the hearts of TV lovers
From here to Monterey?

Well we were captured by the Pilot
You seduced us with the plot
Episode by episode you showed us what you’d got
But now the season’s over
And the Network’s had enough
Have you ever felt like you’ve been had?
Somebody’s called your bluff…..

Pulling the plug on your favourite show
Never did no-one no good
You reel us all in then you let us go
Well I guess that’s how they do it in Hollywood

I don’t believe you would let us down
If you knew how much it meant
But I’ve drained the brakes on your oldsmobile
Just to demonstrate my intent

I’ll visit you in intensive care
When you’re all broken and bent

And your monitors flatline is my favourite show
And although I know it’s not the way you wanted to go
It was me that you were messing with and now you know

That respectfully, oh, regretfully
and with all due deference to your sponsors fee
I’ll be……

Pulling the Plug

CHORUS x 2

Well the broadcast rights to your funeral rites
Went to Fox, not CBS
A docu-soap on your early life
And an unexpected guest

They’ll show your final resting place
Here on Prime-time way out West

The irony here is that the ratings war
Will be won by you, but not like how you won it before
You’re the king of all the networks but you’re out the door

Oh, oblivious, and postumhous
And you never even gave a single shit about us, who does?

I’m pulling the plug.

© 2012 Words and Music Kev Moore

If you want to listen to BayRadio live just click on the icon below. My live rants return on March 2nd, but I’ll be posting the links to some previous ones here during February.

Kev Moore

Internet Etiquette – The Bay Radio Rant

Here’s last week’s rant folks. Don’t forget you can hear it live twice a week on BayRadio – The Sunset Strip with Noelle 9.30pm on Friday nights, and The Sunday brunch with Noelle and Bob around 11.30am. But for those of you otherwise engaged, you can always check in here at Want some Moore??! and listen to all my rants at your leisure. I thought I’d accompany this particular entry with an illustration that perfectly encapsulates the essence of my rant, a theory first postulated by  Mike Krahulik:

Says it all, huh?   (In fact, come to think of it, it comes dangerously close to describing me! hahaha!) To listen to my rant just click on the player below, and to listen to BayRadio anytime, just click on the LISTEN LIVE icon.

Don’t forget to listen this Friday, 2nd. December, when I turn my sights on English tourists in Spain!

Kev Moore

Too Soon for Christmas – The Bay Radio Rant

Hi there, errant listeners. Here’s last week’s Bay radio rant. This time, I turned my attention to the annoying custom of beginning Christmas in the middle of frigging September. Have a listen by clicking on the player below, and don’t forget you can listen live to Bay Radio, by clicking on the listen live icon.

Kev Moore

Technology – The Bay Radio Rant!

Derek became confused when his SatNav started abusing him.........

If you missed last Friday’s rant on The Sunset Strip with Noelle AND the repeat on The Sunday Brunch you are very naughty indeed, BUT I forgive you, and present another opportunity here for you to listen to it ad infinitum. Just click on the player below. Don’t forget, there’s a new rant on Bay this evening, around 9.30pm CET. This one’s a good old moan about Christmas, and if you click on the listen live icon below, you’ll be able to get Bay Radio on the internet, wherever you are, not just on the Spanish Costas.

Kev Moore

Human soup – Last Friday’s Bay Radio rant!

You too could have a body like this.....no, not Superman, the stuff in the can......

As always , dear reader, if you can’t be arsed to listen to my rant when it goes out, I usually post the soundfile here the following week. This week, I turn my attention to the nutters who came up with the idea of turning us into soup as an alternative to burial or cremation.  I’m not kidding. Check it out on the player below. And if you want to check out the excellent Bay Radio live, broadcasting the length of the Spanish Costas from Valencia to Almeria, just click on the listen live logo.

Kev Moore