Statues. “but how can inanimate objects piss you off Kev?” I hear you cry. Well, my answer to that may well be “have you ever seen The Jesus and Mary chain play live?” – but I would be digressing.Click on the player at the foot of this post to hear the rant, and find out why, amongst others, Carla Bruni and Ken Livingstone become the target for my ire.
There’s also a brand new song “Statue of Only Me”, featuring sax from the fabulous Tufty Gordon (see below).
Tufty and Me
You can also listen live to Bayradio by clicking on the listen live icon below. I appear on The Sunset Strip with Noelle every Friday night around 9.30 pm CET, and it’s repeated every Sunday around 1..30am CET on The Sunday Brunch with Bob and Noelle. But if, heaven forbid, you miss them, you can always check in here to listen again.
Karaoke. The word alone is enough to strike terror into your hearts isn’t it? Akin to somebody saying ‘Justin Bieber’. So it’s time, my cherished reader, to address this virus that has bestraddled the world and caused more heartache than ebola.
Click on the player at the foot of this post to hear the Karaoke rant. You can also listen live to Bayradio by clicking on the listen live icon below. I appear on The Sunset Strip with Noelle every Friday night around 9.30 pm CET, and it’s repeated every Sunday around 1..30am CET on The Sunday Brunch with Bob and Noelle. But if, heaven forbid, you miss them, you can always check in here to listen again.
I like my coffee. I don’t like it strong, but by God, I like a lot of it. So now it’s time to stick to those namby-pamby restauranteurs who think coffee should be served in a thimble. Philistines! Get yer Mugs out!!!! Listen to my rant from last weekend, where I wax lyrical about all things caffeine, complete with a song, The Coffee cup mambo. You can click above to watch the video, or just Click on the player at the foot of this post to hear the whole rant. You can also listen live to Bayradio by clicking on the listen live icon below. I appear on The Sunset Strip with Noelle every Friday night around 9.30 pm CET, and it’s repeated every Sunday around 1..30am CET on The Sunday Brunch with Bob and Noelle. But if, heaven forbid, you miss them, you can always check in here to listen again.
The Chinese. Again. this time it’s to take a closer look at their birth control policy and what unforseen effects its having on the land of illegally copied goods. Ironic really. They stop you reproducing kids, but reproduce a designer handbag, or a car, and you can knock yourself out, mate – make a million of ’em! So take a listen to my rant from the weekend where I have a go at our epicanthically-folded friends! There’s also a song “Just one more”. Just Click on the player at the foot of this post. You can also listen live to Bayradio by clicking on the listen live icon below. I appear on The Sunset Strip with Noelle every Friday night around 9.30 pm CET, and it’s repeated every Sunday around 1..30am CET on The Sunday Brunch with Bob and Noelle. But if, heaven forbid, you miss them, you can always check in here to listen again.
Derby County. My team. Tonight. The most important match of the season. Never mind all that Liverpool-Everton nonsense. This is the real meat and potatoes.
And so dear friends, it is upon us. The only one that matters. For the team that raise their muddy standard from the mire will have the bragging rights entire, no matter what the season holds, as clubs’ financial follys fold so many onto footballs funeral pyre.
But this one game, of two halves, Brian
With hearts of steel and will of iron
Sees battle of the horn’ed ones (oo-er missus)
joined with trent ends orphaned sons
So let us stomp the garibaldi red
Into our hallowed pride park turf
And sieze this game for all its worth
With Forest, left for dead.
YOU RAMS
so join with me now, one and all, an optimistic clarion call, for I for one won’t predict loss, I don’t care whose the bloody boss, or who plays where with whom, or what, and tactics? I care not a jot. Considered? Bunkum! No, not I
Im Derby…..DERBY til I die.
I think it’s a good time to remember our legendary victory over our bitterest rivals (Nottingham Forest)earlier in the season, when I felt compelled to record a version of “Wish you were Here” to commemorate it! You can download it here:
"When I grow up I want to be Mariah Carey, you bastards"
I returned to the airwaves this weekend with my Bayradio rant – this time turning my sights on celebrities.(An easy target, I know, so hey! Let’s do it!) Now, I’ve been lucky enough to be the beneficiary of occasional ‘special treatment’ or ‘freebies’, and very nice it is too, but when these bloody A-listers think they are so far above us that they can behave like small children it really gets my Capra Hircus, or goat, for the less well-read among you. Now, a little secret, dear reader…. I recorded this rant before the demise of the reality-challenged Whitney Houston, who had the bad grace to depart this world after I’d mentioned her tantrums in my rant. Being a sensitive soul, I recorded it, and ‘framed’ Mariah Carey for the same outburst. As I mention in the dialogue, it doesn’t really matter, all these dodgy divas are so interchangeable you’d hardly know the difference. Just for the record, Ms.Carey was still drawing breath as this went to press.
There’s an original song with this one – ‘Don’t you know who I think I am’, which will appear on my new album, scheduled for release in the Autumn. The lyrics are below.
Just click on the player to hear my Celebrity strop rant, and click on the Bay Radio ‘listen live’ icon to, well, er…listen live!
Don’t you know who I think I am?
I’m in first class every time I fly – that’s just my way And it’s the stewardesses ass if it ain’t just right, what can I say? And don’t gimme none o’that ‘first in line’ Cos this seats taken and it’s always mine And don’t tell me I can’t use my phone and could you see to it I dine alone?
Don’t you know who I think I am? I’m not one of those you can easily mess with Don’t you know who I think I am I’d like some Dom Perignon and a nice club sandwich…..NOW!
I want the first five rows just for myself – and a cafe au lait I don’t give a damn about no-one else – no, not today I was a tenement brat who never had a lot Now I’m superstar diva takin’ all you got I’d sell my own mama just to get ahead Didnt you listen to what I just said?
Don’t you know who I think I am? I’m not one of those you can easily mess with Don’t you know who I think I am I cant wear my seatbelt cos I’m so exhausted….NOW
"It's my series and I'll cancel it if I want, you schmucks!" said a fat TV executive recently
I’ve long held the belief that the giant TV networks regard us as beneath contempt, an unfortunate, unwanted yet albeit necessary part of the equation that results in television programming, and the creation in particular of serialization. Many of my favourite programmes have come to grief because they didn’t hit some arbitrary notch on the ratings bedpost, or by way of their intrusive advertising, sell enough Daz. So it will come as no surprise to followers of my blog, or my BayRadio slot, that I chose to vent my spleen against them this weekend. Click on the player below to listen to the rant, which also includes the specially-written song “Pulling the Plug” (Lyrics below) – a fantasy I entertained about a fan of one show who was so over-zealous, he sabotaged the studio executive’s car and then murdered him while he recovered in hospital. Of course, I’m not suggesting that anybody really do this…but, you know….bring back ENTERPRISE , or else!!
Pulling the plug
Hey there Mr Katzenjammer, sitting in LA On which dream of mine and many others Do you intend to throw the covers And break the hearts of TV lovers From here to Monterey?
Well we were captured by the Pilot You seduced us with the plot Episode by episode you showed us what you’d got But now the season’s over And the Network’s had enough Have you ever felt like you’ve been had? Somebody’s called your bluff…..
Pulling the plug on your favourite show Never did no-one no good You reel us all in then you let us go Well I guess that’s how they do it in Hollywood
I don’t believe you would let us down If you knew how much it meant But I’ve drained the brakes on your oldsmobile Just to demonstrate my intent
I’ll visit you in intensive care When you’re all broken and bent
And your monitors flatline is my favourite show And although I know it’s not the way you wanted to go It was me that you were messing with and now you know
That respectfully, oh, regretfully and with all due deference to your sponsors fee I’ll be……
Pulling the Plug
CHORUS x 2
Well the broadcast rights to your funeral rites Went to Fox, not CBS A docu-soap on your early life And an unexpected guest
They’ll show your final resting place Here on Prime-time way out West
The irony here is that the ratings war Will be won by you, but not like how you won it before You’re the king of all the networks but you’re out the door
Oh, oblivious, and postumhous And you never even gave a single shit about us, who does?
If you want to listen to BayRadio live just click on the icon below. My live rants return on March 2nd, but I’ll be posting the links to some previous ones here during February.
Amelia (whoever the hell that is) says ‘fix’ claims surrounding The X factor hurt her and Kel (whoever the hell that is)
AWWWWW, Diddums!
If it wasn’t for that overhyped, rotten to the core, value-less corrupt garbage piece of television you’d all probably be flipping burgers or living in assisted housing, so be grateful that corporate greed and manipulation is on your side for once.
The really sad thing is, the revelation that the ‘winner’s single’ was ready to ship before the result has been announced didn’t surprise or shock me in the least. That is the depths to which a once-proud British Music Industry has sunk. Remember when we used to produce and nurture classic pop and rock? I know, it’s a loooong time ago now.
Hi there, errant listeners. Here’s last week’s Bay radio rant. This time, I turned my attention to the annoying custom of beginning Christmas in the middle of frigging September. Have a listen by clicking on the player below, and don’t forget you can listen live to Bay Radio, by clicking on the listen live icon.
Derek became confused when his SatNav started abusing him.........
If you missed last Friday’s rant on The Sunset Strip with NoelleAND the repeat on The Sunday Brunch you are very naughty indeed, BUT I forgive you, and present another opportunity here for you to listen to it ad infinitum. Just click on the player below. Don’t forget, there’s a new rant on Bay this evening, around 9.30pm CET. This one’s a good old moan about Christmas, and if you click on the listen live icon below, you’ll be able to get Bay Radio on the internet, wherever you are, not just on the Spanish Costas.
Want some Moore??! 